i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
