sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
