Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
