I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
