I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
