I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
even my farts smell like vagina
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
