I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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