why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
