I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
