I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
how drunk are you?
Several
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
