you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
