Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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