the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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