I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
should my penis look like a turkey
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
