I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
