onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize