no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
