I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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