I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize