Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize