i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
