I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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