If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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