btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
