It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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