i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
