I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
