what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
