You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
