I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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