Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize