We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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