The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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