i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
