no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
