Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
