does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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