Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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