I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
