It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This gyro tastes like lonliness
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
