he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
