my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she told me i tasted like america
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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