woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
