All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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