you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
