were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Sorry about my life...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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