He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize