I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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