even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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