Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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