I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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