found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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