I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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