I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize