allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
time to smoke my breakfast
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
