Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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