He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
