I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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