I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize