At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
