so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
