if you like me you must not know who I am
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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