i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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