Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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