he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
