I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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