I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Everyone says I win the strip club
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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