You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
